When Christmas Hurts
Why the Holidays Trigger Trauma
I had made it all the way from Europe to the United States, landing at JFK International Airport in New York City with a newborn baby in tow. I was a wreck. My husband, stationed in Germany with the Air Force, couldn’t get leave, so I boarded the seven-hour flight alone. Of course, the flight was late, and I was stranded in New York overnight.
Exhausted, I finally found the United Service Organization (USO) office in the airport. They helped me navigate the maze at JFK and set me up with a hotel for the night. Terrified I’d oversleep and miss my connecting flight to Virginia, I did not rest. The responsibility of my first baby, the long journey alone, and the reason I was coming home towered like a dark, ominous wall.
As soon as my father called to say my mother was having a “nervous breakdown,” my scapegoat conditioning reared its ugly head. I had no choice but to go home. My father didn’t even need to ask. He knew my response would be automatic. Everything rested on my shoulders. It didn’t matter that I would have to make a transatlantic flight alone or that I had just had a baby.
I arrived to find my mother despondent—and the many cards so carefully crafted and mailed from Europe unopened and thrown in the trash.
The Same Old Message
Same old message, “fix me, this is your responsibility and by the way, nothing you do will be enough.” No acknowledgment of my long journey, and barely a hello to the new baby. This was the way it had always been and it was the way it would continue to be until my parent’s death.
This is the dilemma for survivors of childhood trauma. Damned if you do damned if you don’t, also known as the double bind. And this is a core reason the holidays are so difficult for us.
Christmas and the holiday season trigger emotional collapse—the return of old roles, old wounds, old obligations, and old versions of ourselves we worked so hard to escape.
The holidays don’t just bring up memories; they awaken the parts of us that were frozen in time, the child or adolescent who once believed it was their job to hold the family together, rescue the adults, or absorb the emotional fallout.
And so every December, survivors all over the world feel dread they can’t explain, guilt they didn’t earn, and emotional activation that feels out of proportion to the moment.
If this is you, nothing is wrong with you.
Your nervous system is remembering.
Why does Christmas trigger childhood trauma so intensely?
1. Christmas Is an Attachment Holiday — And Attachment Is Where the Trauma Happened
Christmas is built around:
family togetherness
belonging
stability
warmth
predictable love
But if your childhood home was filled with chaos, neglect, manipulation, or emotional abuse, Christmas becomes a mirror reflecting everything you never had.
This alone can trigger profound grief, dread, or emotional activation.
2. Frozen-In-Time Parts Wake Up
Trauma survivors carry younger “parts” inside them—child selves who never got to grow up because the environment was unsafe.
Christmas awakens those parts.
The smells, the music, the rituals, and the pressure all connect directly to childhood. Suddenly, you may feel:
small
helpless
responsible for everyone else’s mood
guilty
terrified of disappointing someone
obligated to perform
You’re not regressing.
Your nervous system is remembering.
3. Old Roles Snap Back Into Place
Every dysfunctional family assigns roles:
The Scapegoat
The Golden Child
The Peacemaker
The Invisible One
The Responsible One
Even at 50 or 60 years old, walking through your parents’ door can make your brain revert to the role it learned at age 4.
It’s automatic.
It’s somatic.
And it’s profoundly triggering.
4. Holiday Guilt Is a Weapon in Dysfunctional Families
Statements like:
“You’re ruining Christmas.”
“Family is everything—you owe us.”
“If you loved us, you’d be here.”
These are not expressions of love.
They are tools of control.
And the holidays are when manipulative families use them most effectively.
5. Religious Trauma Intensifies Everything
If faith was used to:
control
shame
silence
manipulate
pressure you into compliance
Then Christmas doesn’t feel holy.
A spiritual holiday becomes an emotional trigger.
6. The Cultural Myth of the “Perfect Family Christmas” Deepens Shame
Movies, commercials, and church services all push one message:
“Everyone has a warm, loving family at Christmas.”
Survivors think:
Why couldn’t my family be like that?
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I tolerate them?
This shame is not yours.
It comes from the collision between reality and fantasy.
7. Even No-Contact Survivors Feel the Echo of Old Conditioning
Going no-contact removes the danger.
It doesn’t immediately erase:
guilt
grief
longing
old neural pathways
the fantasy that “maybe this year will be different”
The holidays can stir these emotions even years after leaving the family system.
This is normal.
What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays
1. Set Boundaries Beforehand
Decide ahead of time:
how long you’ll stay
who you’ll sit near
what topics are off limits
when and how you will leave
Boundaries are preventative medicine, not emergency care.
2. Stay in Your Adult Self
Before you walk in, gently remind yourself:
“I am an adult.”
“Their reactions are not my responsibility.”
“I can choose what I engage with.”
Your childhood instincts may activate, but your adult self is in charge now.
3. Spend Less Time Than You Think You ‘Should’
Two hours can be healthier than an entire day.
Quality is more important than endurance.
4. Don’t Be Alone With the Most Manipulative Person
This one simple choice prevents half of the emotional ambushes survivors experience.
5. Have an Exit Plan
You do not need permission to leave.
Your wellbeing matters.
How to Navigate Christmas If You’re No-Contact
1. Remember Why You Chose No-Contact
Write it down if needed:
the abuse
the manipulation
the gaslighting
the emotional toll
the years of harm
You didn’t leave because you were weak.
You left because you finally became strong.
2. Understand That Guilt Is Conditioning, Not Truth
Guilt in dysfunctional families is:
taught
reinforced
expected
Feeling guilty does not mean you did anything wrong.
3. Allow Grief
Grief for the family you never had is not a sign you made the wrong choice.
It is a sign your heart is healing.
4. Create New Traditions
This rewires your nervous system.
New traditions can be:
Rodeo on Christmas Day
quiet dinners
staying home in pajamas
candlelight and prayer
movies
volunteering
baking
going out into nature
Traditions don’t have to resemble anyone else’s.
On the surface, these lists seem simple. I know from personal experience how much suffering, sorrow and struggle they represent. It takes time to recover your holidays. It takes patience to reclaim peace. You deserve to be able to defy trauma and find joy this holiday season and all through the year.