How Covert Narcissists Use Annihilation

How the Covert Narcissistic Parent Uses the Threat of Annihilation 

Narcissistic Behavior

I watched as the rage my father always carried washed over his face. Turing red, he stared at me with threatening eyes. I immediately looked for a way to back down. I had stepped over the boundary and committed the unpardonable sin—I had expressed a personal opinion that didn’t agree with his. My words were seen as a challenge and he communicated total compliance without saying a word. 

If you have ever had a run-in with a covert narcissist, you will be familiar with this type of behavior. Whether it be a boss, a friend or a family member, the covert narcissist has an amazing ability to communicate threat in a quiet but clear way. And when that covert narcissist happens to be parent, the damage they do has lifelong consequences. 

My father laid down total compliance throughout my childhood. In those years, it was easy to assault my personhood using physical, verbal and emotional abuse because I was trapped with no way to escape. Totallydependent on him, he used my vulnerability and innocence as a way to extend his control. 

Later, as an adult, he used tactics like questioning my decisions, behaving like a gatekeeper of approval, controlling the narrative and acting as the moral authority to undermine any sense of independence I gained. Whenever I attempted something new, or stumbled into his orbit by sharing my plans, he would predict failure, imply collapse and undercut my safety—unless, that is, I shored up his narcissistic system. Even then, his approval was doled out in crumbs. I snapped them up like a starving animal oblivious to what he was up to.

How a Narcissist Tries to Annihilate Their Adult Child

In my adulthood, my father used manipulative behavior to express his displeasure. My son’s graduation from college was another opportunity for my father to ruin an otherwise happy occasion. Having barely survived childhood, I was so relieved and excited to have arrived at such a milestone and could not wait to see my son receive his engineering degree from a prestigious university. Instead of joining in the celebration, at the last minute, my father decided not to show up. I spent the entire ceremony wondering where he was and scanning the crowd in hopes that he had simply sat in the wrong seat. Afterwards, we hastily drove to his house where he pouted in his bedroom refusing to come out and speak to me. I cried the entire three hour drive home. 

Weeks later, he flippantly told me, “I felt left out, but I was just having a bad day.” No apology, no self-awareness, no understanding of what his behavior had cost me, not to mention the entire family that day. After decades of tolerating his abuse, my emotional life was filled with anxiety and distress. On this day of all days, my father had decided to once again communicate the message: “You exist only in relation to me; without my approval, guidance or control, you are nothing. I am the center and you revolve around me. If you step out of my control, you will collapse into nothingness. I will always have the ability to destroy your happiness.”

As a child, survival depended upon appeasing this man. As an adult, I believed my safety and survival still depended on him. After that incident, I finally began to realize nothing I ever did was going to be enough. Disentangling myself would become a mission. He wasn’t going to change, but I could.

Why Do Narcissists Do This?

Why do narcissists behave like this? It is complicated but knowing a few reasons why can help alleviate blaming yourself. (Which is what the narcissist wants you to do.)

Fear of Losing Control

-Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves. When a child grow up and asserts autonomy, the narcissist experiences this as betrayal or abandonment. 

-Threats of annihilation become weapons to keep the child psychologically tethered.

Power Through Fear

-Narcissists lack empathy so fear is their most reliable way to maintain dominance

-This keeps the adult child in a cycle of anxiety, hesitation and self-doubt

Projection of Their Own Terror

-Deep down, narcissists live with an unacknowledged fear of annihilation themselves. They fear being irrelevant, abandoned, or exposed.

-They project these fears onto the child and use attacks, threats or emotional blackmail to unload their own inner chaos.

How Covert Narcissistic Tactics Work

Knowledge is power and nowhere is this more true than breaking free from the power of a narcissistic parent. Understanding what they are up to is the first step in healing. The following may help you distinguish the types of tactics a narcissist uses to establish their destructive dominance especially toward their children.

-Undermining Confidence and Questioning reality: “Are you sure that happened?”  Planting doubt so you second-guess yourself.

Minimizing success: “That’s nothing special, anyone could do that.”

Shifting credit: Quietly taking credit for your achievements or framing them as their doing. (My father wanted credit for my son’s achievement. He later came out and said so.)

Withholding & Silent Control, Stonewalling: Refusing to engage, making you feel like you don’t exist unless you comply. Withdrawal of affection. Coldness or indifference as punishment. Strategic silence. Using non-response to keep you uneasy and seeking approval.

Subtle Power Moves, Positioning Themselves as the Expert: Correcting you constantly, even in small ways. Backhanded compliments. “You look good — for once.” Mocking or smirking. Nonverbal ways of belittling that keep them on top without a word spoken.

Playing the Victim, martyr narrative: “After all I’ve done for you…” Fragility as control. Acting wounded by your independence so you feel guilty for separating. Inverted blame. You are “selfish,” “ungrateful,” or “cruel” if you assert yourself.

Covert Threats forecasting failure: “You’ll regret that” or “You’ll never make it without me.”Implying collapse. Suggesting that your choices will “ruin the family” or “destroy everything.” Undercutting safety. Quietly reminding you that no one else will care for you the way they do.

Placing Themselves in the Seat of Power, Gatekeeping Approval: Making you earn small crumbs of validation. Controlling narratives. Telling others their version of your life so you look unstable or dependent. Acting as the moral authority. Subtly elevating themselves as more righteous, smarter, or “wiser.”

My father never said the words, “I’ll annihilate you,” but that was the hidden message driving his interactions with me. Recently spending time in deep, inner healing work, my therapist asked me, “Can you remember a single time your father ever did anything out of love for you?” I thought several minutes and to my shock, I could not think of a single time. Even things that appeared good, were done to shore up his narcissistic system or make himself look better. If you find yourself trying to break free of a powerful narcissistic parent, don’t give up. It is difficult, but possible, even necessary in order to reclaim the life that should be yours. Defy trauma, embrace joy.

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